For the Men Who Stayed
The fathers, stepfathers, mentors, and men who show up, you matter more than you know.
“If you are in the life of a child, stay there. Don’t walk away out of frustration or think that your role doesn’t matter, because it truly does.”
As I headed into town this morning, I remembered it was Father’s Day weekend. Where I live, in the Champlain Islands in Vermont, there is a large Father’s Day Fishing Derby every year. As I passed a state-run boat launch, I spotted lots of trucks and trailers in the parking lot and it brought a smile to my face. As I headed over the causeway that separates the Champlain Islands from the mainland, I saw a man and young child in a boat, getting ready to start their day of fishing. As I crossed the small bridge, there was another young family fishing from the bridge, huddling together in conversation, enjoying their time together. When I returned home a few hours later, the young family was still on the bridge enjoying their time together. Memories being made and important time spent together…priceless.
All these visions reminded me of the importance the father plays in a child’s life, and if the father is not present, how important it is for children to have that male role model in their lives. Both girls and boys need this relationship, but for young boys it serves an incredibly important piece of their development, building skills and self-confidence that can be life changing.
As a single mom and mental health advocate, I’ve seen it with my own eyes. For my children, unfortunately, the relationship with their biological father has been strained for years. He was never able to connect emotionally with his children, and after we divorced when they were 12 years old, it was obvious that the leadership, connection, and confidence they needed was not going to be found in that relationship. This took a big toll on all of us, but I think mostly for my son who wanted, and needed, that paternal connection.
During those years when I realized that the relationship was not going to provide the support, love, and kindness a child deserves, I investigated mentoring programs, especially for my son. We live in a very rural part of Vermont and when my son was young, mentoring was just beginning to be part of the mental health conversation. Over the years, mentoring has become profound for many children, and the role those relationships play in their lives is critical. I’ve heard many stories about relationships lasting well beyond the initial meeting and becoming life-long. Beautiful stories that show the power of relationships and how everyone needs someone.
In my story, I was so fortunate to find a partner that not only had children of his own but was eager to be the rock that my children and I needed. Without question and never doubting his decision (okay, let’s be real, maybe thought twice a time or two) but always stood strong. Now, after over 15 years together, we are given the gift of seeing all five of our children thriving and living lives that they want for themselves. This after helping my son through mental health challenges, addiction, treatment, and now recovery. Every day is a gift and a fight at the same time, but I wouldn’t want any other outcome. He did the work, found himself, and knows his goals. My children refer to Greg as their dad, and he certainly deserves it.
As for my ex-husband, when I think of the relationship, it truly makes me sad. He walked away from two humans with high potential, a deep drive to help others, and the fight to make a difference in the world. There are times I feel angry about it, and then in the same breath, feel like I’ve been given a gift to watch it all unfold. What I come back to, time and time again, is the longing that I have in wishing he would put value on the little things and the sadness in the lack of connection. From seeing his daughter, who is a wheelchair user, playing pickleball to his feeling the joy of hearing from his son on his latest certification in the profession of towing that he achieved. Conversations about their work and the things they love and the challenges that they need to figure out. Family BBQ’s, service dog training, and enjoying chatting over breakfast at a favorite restaurant; and all these things are just examples from this weekend alone. The list is endless and I am grateful that I get to experience every single one of them.
For all the dads, mentors, grandfathers, stepdads, uncles, friends, and strong male figures, keep up the great work. If you are in the life of a child, stay there. Don’t walk away out of frustration or think that your role doesn’t matter, because it truly does. I’ve seen what it truly takes to step in, be present, and the impact of taking the role seriously. Lastly, make sure that you are figuring out what you need for self-care, because if you are not taking care of yourself, you can’t take care of others. What you do matters and you are making a difference…keep it up!
